he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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