I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
