I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
