we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
