You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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