It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
