What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
