I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
