I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
