Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
