Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
