just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
