this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I love you. Go after that dick
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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