I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
porn star boner night. come get it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
