youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
