if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
