allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
