i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
