The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
