it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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