I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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