this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
