i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
