Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
