Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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