I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
