Non-Jews are for practice
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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