you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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