I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize