i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Let's get the cat blown out
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
