He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
