After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
