The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
