So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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