don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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