My friends, they love my intelligence
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
