Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
