Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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