Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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