i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i drank out of a bidet.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
