So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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