I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Did we literally take a cab across the street
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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