I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
