So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize