Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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