I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
