The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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