he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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