So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
