I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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