it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
