I am midnight drunk by noon
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
