every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
