3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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