My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
