It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
