Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
