I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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