She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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