The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
