all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
