Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
