which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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