I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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