i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
