How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
