Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
