just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
