I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
