In the future we'll all be gay
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
