OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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