Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
